| Coconut Joan
No compunctions about eating dessert first |
Did you know that the United Kingdom Ministry of Defence has a green munitions policy?
Blow people up more sustainably! Make war environmentally friendly!
Of course, what they mean is that while they work to increase the effectiveness of a bomb’s physical destruction, we can rest assured that the toxic legacy will be minimal.
It’s the lesser of two evils. Still, there’s something ironic about it all.
I’ve come home from an evening in the city. I was performing onstage on Russell Street in the city’s Chinese New Year celebrations. I’m not sure what hip hop has to do with Chinese New Year but people seemed to enjoy it.
It’s the year of the dog again, which means I am turning 24 years old this year.
I was in early high school when it was announced that Melbourne was to host the 2006 Commonwealth Games. I remember thinking, “That’s so far away. When Melbourne hosts the games, I’ll be 24.” Well, that time has come.
(Mum says, “Time is so short. Before know it, you’ll be 34, Joan!” to which I replied, “34? Pshaw. That’s ages away.”)
It’s that time of year again!
We have just carved up a 1.2 kg mango. A mango that big offers a number of carving possibilities. I am not a fan of the hedgehog technique. I find it stickier than necessary and mango fibres get stuck between teeth. Instead, I like to carve out mango steaks, which can be tackled with a knife and fork.
For those who are interested, a 1.2 kg mango can easily be carved into three steaks to feed a family.
I have been told that in Japan, a mango might cost $80. In Melbourne in this season, the going price is $2-4 per kg. To those in the cold of the United Kingdom and the United States, I will eat an extra mango for you.
Firstly, an interesting game has shown up on my smallish internet radar. Fastr is a game where you are shown a group of photos from the Flickr community. All these photos have the same tag. You have to guess what the tag is.
I like the concept because:
Yesterday, I thought about food a lot. In particular, I thought about artichokes. I was craving marinated artichoke hearts. Also, lightly pan-fried scallops with a sprinkling of sea salt.
I was walking past the library at work when something caught my eye. Above a small wire basket of novels was a sign: ‘FREE BOOKS’.
Free books?! (confusion, excitement) And it wasn’t the usual technofare that plagues the company library. Instead of construction codes, risk management guidelines, legislation and maps, I found novels by Dan Brown and Maeve Binchy.
“Margeret, what are these books? Are they really free?” I asked the librarian.
“Yes, Joan. You’re welcome to take as many as you like,” she said. “They’re from my personal library.”
“Wow! Why are you giving them away?”
“Well, I’ve read them all so I thought I might as well pass them on to someone else who will appreciate them. The idea is that once they’re finished with the book, they can pass the books on again.”
“What a great idea!” I marvelled.
We spent about five minutes browsing through the books (that just cost one of my clients $8.25). She gave me some recommendations and advice. (“There are a few old lady’s books, I’m afraid. I bought them for my mother.”) We also talked about her book club. Now, I wouldn’t mind being part of a book club! Everyone reads the same book and comes back to discuss it. Margaret’s book club once read ‘Morgan’s Run‘ by Colleen McCullough, then followed up with a meeting on Fraser Island, where the book is set.
I selected three books, including one old lady’s book. I am looking forward to reading them.
I went to Marysville to enjoy a day of village life and rainforest walks. Our group included three girls and three boys. We first stopped at the the Marysville information centre, where there was an exhibit featuring a preserved specimen of a gunni, an animal that looks a lot like a wombat with antlers. We read from the intepretive sign that the gunni (pronounced ‘goon-eye’) was extinct.
“Wow! That’s so cool! I’ve never seen a gunni before,” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, it’s pretty cute,” Kate said. Vera peered intently into the glass box.
“Too bad it’s extinct, right?” Avi said seriously.
“Yeah.” The girls nodded.
There was silence. Joel was grinning. Avi elbowed him. Damjan was grinning too. Then they were all laughing.
I was bewildered. “What’s so funny?”
“You fell for it!” Damjan laughed.
“Huh?” Kate was confused too.
Joel said, “They made it up. There’s no such thing as a gunni.”
“It’s a joke,” Avi said kindly.
“What?! No…” I couldn’t believe it. “But the sign…! The exhibit!”
“Silly girls. So gullible!”
It wasn’t fair. Why would they want to trick us? Yet, I still wasn’t convinced that it was all a hoax.
What do you think? Is the gunni fact or fiction?
(Vera only found out about the ‘hoax’ last week. “The boys are so mean, like that time when they made fun of us for believing in that wombat with antlers, remember that?” “What? You mean it wasn’t real?!”)
Well, if you’re going to be sexist, you might as well do it well.
Dear Tech SupportLast year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
_________________________REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
In the past, I have directed your attention to the morbid in Wikipedia. Now, here is a list of fictional rabbits. Just what I’ve always needed!
I plonked the thick yellow envelope onto the counter.
“Hello. I need to get this to England as quickly as possible.”
Charles the counterhand looked at me doubtfully. “It’s going to be very expensive.”
“How much and how long?” I asked, steely-eyed. He could see that I was serious.
“Express Courier International,” he replied briskly. “It’s the very best. You can insure it, register it, track it. It’ll be there by the end of the week, guaranteed.” He named his exorbitant price. I paid in cash.
As soon as the barcode was swiped, someone darted out from the back mailroom and snatched my envelope from the scales. I just managed to glimpse his nametag before he sprinted past.
Cody the Courier ran onto the street, his hand reaching high. He expertly dodged the pedestrains to reach a taxi 60 m up the road.
“The airport, please,” he said. The driver nodded, rubbed his e-TAG to warm it up, then took off from the curb.
As the taxi careened through the suburbs, Cody pulled out his BlackBerry to book his flight. The only seat available was in Busines class on the Emirates.
Half an hour later, Cody was checking in (“No checked-in luggage. One hand luggage, 7 kg. One envelope. Aisle seat, please.”) and boarding the Boeing 777-300.
In the flight attendants’ first sweep, Cody politely refused a scotch on the rocks (“Sorry, I’m working.”) but did accept the offer of a Playstation 2. He played for a couple of hours (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas) then watched a nature documentary about beavers before flicking a switch to convert his business class recliner into a bed.
He didn’t bother shopping during the stopover in Dubai (he’d been there just last week).
As the aeroplane approached London, Cody quickly filled in his arrival documents, barely glancing at the familiar options (“Not carrying animals, drugs, plants, radio transmitters, sealskins, vegetables or weapons.”).
He waited quietly as the plane came to a standstill and the boarding passage was extended and docked. He disembarked with the other passengers but as soon as there was space, Cody exploded into action. He sprinted past the crowd transfixed at the baggage carousel, flew through Customs then burst into the wet London weather.
His hair whiplashed into his eyes as he whirled around and shouted, “Taxi!”
And that’s where he is now. How do I know this? Because I’m tracking him, of course. I guess you do get what you pay for.
Cody’s adventures
This made me laugh — two Chinese boys remake the Backstreet Boys. Notice their compatriot at the back who never looks up from (I have no doubt) World of Warcraft.
Check out The Dormitory Boys.
P.S. I don’t understand all the words to Radio in my head but it’s damned funny too.
Delicious links
