As many will know, I’m not the sharpest tool in the kitchen. My mum winces whenever she watches me fumbling my way around the stove. I thought that I was getting better at cooking here in Cambridge but today, I returned to my clumsy self.
I had 350 g of mince left so I decided cook fettuccine bolognese. I’ve watched my mum do it before. It looked pretty easy, even for a kitchen klutz. To minimise the risk of disaster, I prepared and lined up all the ingredients on the bench before turning on the stove.
While the pasta simmered in one pot, I fried chopped onions and mince in a pan. “Almost done!” I thought. “Just add sauce.”
I bought the jar of tomato and basil sauce just an hour ago. Placing my hand over the lid, I twisted. Ungh. Nothing happened. I took a deep breath, angled my hands further around the lid for greater leverage and twisted again. UNGH.
“Okay, Joan, don’t panic. You probably just need a greater coefficient of friction.”
I grabbed the red-and-white checked tea towel. Wrapping the it around the lid, I twisted again. The lid didn’t budge.
“Um, um…” I could feel the old anxiety building up again. “It’s a metal lid. I can run it under hot water and it’ll expand more than the glass jar. It’ll be easier to loosen, then.”
I sat the jar under the hot water tap then tried opening it again.
“Noooooo! Why am I so weak?” I had the brains but not the brawn. In the mean time, I could almost hear the the pasta wilting, the onions burning and the mince rubberising over the heat.
“Stupid thing!” I thought grumpily. “What are you made out of?” I scanned over the ingredients.
“Hey, I have all of this stuff.” I blinked a couple of times as an idea grew inside me.
I tried the jar a final time before giving up on it for real. Then, darting between my cupboard, the fridge and the communal spice collection, I pulled out a can of chopped tomatoes, my tube of tomato concentrate, the leftover half onion I had wrapped up before, dried basil, garlic powder, salt and sugar.
I threw it all into the pan and it began bubbling with satisfying vigour. Taste, add salt, sugar, more basil, more garlic, taste…
For the final touch, I chopped fresh chilli and poured it in. I tasted it. Wow! What a kick!
The meal was very tasty. And now, I don’t need to buy tomato-based pasta sauces ever again!